What happens when the love of your life becomes abusive

'' she’d met the man of her dreams when she moved to Australia. And then everything went to hell'' (TRUE STORY)

WHAT do you do when the person you considered the love of your life, turns out to be physically, verbally and financially abusive?

This was the reality for Australian mum-of-two Clarissa*, who has chosen to share her harrowing story to raise awareness of just how devastating domestic violence can be.

A BETTER LIFE

Clarissa emigrated to Australia from Europe as an 18-year-old with the dream of making a better life for herself. Just three years later, having settled in a beachside town, she says she serendipitously ran into her future husband standing outside her local hotel.

“I’d just walked out the doors of my local bar and there he was, this tall, good-looking Aussie guy,” she says.

“Perhaps it was love at first sight, I don’t know, but from the start he made me feel very special. He told me I was his soulmate and bought me expensive jewellery … I thought he was great.”

Clarissa says their relationship got serious very quickly and within eighteen months he’d whisked her away on holiday to propose marriage and present her with an exquisite diamond engagement ring.

“Of course I said yes!” she says. “When he decided to get married that was it, we got married right away. We had our wedding on the beach, with all our family and friends there to witness it.”

Clarissa says they planned to have a baby straight after their wedding. “He wanted me get pregnant because he was 14 years older than me and he said he didn’t want to be an old dad,” she says. “I loved him so I said OK and I got pregnant straight away.

“I was very young and immature … I didn’t know what I was doing.”

THE WARNING SIGNS

“I should’ve seen the warning signs,” she says. “We could be pretty volatile and we argued a lot. I’m can be fiery, sure, but he’s got this terrible temper and when we had a fight he’d always swear at me and call me all kinds of disgusting names, like a c**t, f***ing bitch, wh**re ... ”

“People say, well, she’s reactive, so it’s kinda like I deserve it. But I’m just trying to stick up for myself ... what are you supposed to do, sit there and let someone degrade you like that?”

And then there was her ex-husband’s drug habit. “You know, there was a third person in our marriage the whole time — drugs,” she says.

“Before we had children, we used to go out all the time together, drinking and partying … but after I fell pregnant, that was it for me. He still went out and kept partying while I stayed at home because, well, I was pregnant or caring for kids and I didn’t want to do any of that anymore.”

Once their daughter was born, Clarissa says things seemed to go from bad to worse. “A woman grows up when she gets pregnant, but for some men that doesn’t happen and so we started to grow apart,” she says.

“He wanted to be a dad but without any of the work that goes into it.”

A FAMILY FALLS APART

Clarissa says a business failure saw her ex-husband’s drug use and violence escalate. She began to suspect he was dealing drugs but couldn’t prove it, and was feeling increasingly isolated at home with a baby and another one the way.

“Baby number two came along eighteen months later and really, all I can recall of that time is a blur of toxic, shitty marriage,” she says. “He had absolutely no respect for me and continually abused and threatened me in front of our children.”

She tried to talk with her in-laws about her ex-husband’s behaviour and drug use but they dismissed her claims out of hand and offered no support. “I used to go to his parents and tell them he’s partying all night and coming home and threatening me … and they were like, ‘you just need to be a better wife’,” she says.

“My family are all in Europe, so my in-laws were my only support network. And despite me wanting only what’s was best for their grandkids, these people have gone out of their way to make me feel like it was all my fault and that their son was not at fault in any way.

“I wasn’t working, I had two small children, no money and nowhere else to go … I felt so trapped. What else could I do?”

THE CATALYST AND ESCAPE

Despite calling the police on numerous occasions, it was her ex throwing her against the living room wall, in front of their young daughter, that spurred Clarissa to take out an AVO against him.

It all came to a head one evening when Clarissa threatened to contact the police after witnessing his drug use in the house. As a result, her ex threatened her and the children and they were forced to flee their family home.

Since then, there have been endless court orders and appearances to pertain parental visitation rights, ongoing legal disputes and an endless barrage of ongoing financial abuse perpetrated by her ex husband.

Despite the extreme trauma and difficulty she and her children have experienced, and the significant legal debts she’s accumulated as a result of her escape, Clarissa remains positive.

She says she feels empowered to have removed herself and her kids from that toxic situation and is now 100 per cent focused on creating a better life for them all.

“These days I work hard at my job to pay the bills, the school fees, to put food in my children’s mouths and ensure they have everything they need,” she says.

“While he’s drinking in the pub all day, I’m raising our children, doing homework, going to the park to feed the ducks, all the things they need a parent to do for them. I don’t drink or do drugs and all I want is to protect my children from all that crap.”

Clarissa says her daughter now suffers from serious anxiety as a result of the domestic violence she has witnessed throughout her young life. “Now I must do everything in my power to repair the damage that’s been done to her,” she says.

“You know, I would’ve done anything to fix my marriage, to keep it together ... but I just couldn’t fix something that’s that broken, no matter how hard I tried.”

STOP

“What are you going to do? Are you going to live in the dark, locked in here? Afraid to look out, answer the door, leave? Yes, he's out there, and he's clearly not going to leave you alone until one of three things happens: he hurts you and gets arrested, or he makes a mistake and gets arrested, or you stop him.” 

Domestic violence is a silent crime

Behind the walls of the home, domestic violence plays out in communities across the United States each day. Sometimes a man will inflict harm on his wife. Sometimes it is the other way around. Tragically, sometimes children are the victims of domestic violence.

Almost never is a camera present to record the crime. Other than the victim, there is no one to witness the emotional, verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse.

Often the victim feels trapped or helpless. The victim feels as though it is his or her word against the abuser's.

Many times abusers isolate their victims so that they effectively eliminate any "lifeline" that the victim might have.

The situation often becomes one in which the victims of domestic violence do all they can just to avoid a violent outburst or triggering a situation. The desperation of the abused, over time, becomes a "Stockholm Syndrome" scenario in which the victim defends the actions of the abuser in order to survive.

There are many people who see the signs of domestic violence in others but say nothing. For many, it is easier to turn a blind eye rather than get involved.

As a domestic relations judge, I see cases of domestic violence often. As a result of the seemingly indifferent attitudes of victim and observer, domestic violence is a silent crime.

There is no Hollywood ending for victims of domestic violence. Ignoring the hallmarks of domestic violence only enables abusers to continue their behavior. As the saying goes: the only thing that evil needs to flourish is for good people to do nothing.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. There are two things that I ask you to do:

1) Learn the signs of domestic violence because your friend, family member or coworker may be exhibiting these. If you have school age children, educate them and discuss with them the telltale signs of abuse – they may have schoolmates exhibiting such signs. Find more information on the Ohio Domestic Violence Network www.odvn.org

2) If you witness acts of domestic violence, or you strongly suspect a situation of domestic violence, do not turn away. You can call 911. If you are reluctant to dial 911, then call the Ohio Domestic Violence Network at 800-934-9840

Many victims take on the attitude that they have done something to deserve the abuse they are suffering. No one deserves the abuse inflicted by another.

We may never be able to stop domestic violence, but we have the tools to identify it and act when we see it. I challenge you to learn about domestic violence and to act when you recognize it; break the silence of domestic violence.

Emotional Abuse & Intimidation Control

 Controlling behavior is a way for the batterer to maintain his dominance over the victim. Controlling behavior, the belief that he is justified in the controlling behavior, and the resultant abuse is the core issue in abuse of women. It is often subtle, almost always insidious, and pervasive. This may include but is not limited to:

• Checking the mileage on the odometer following her use of the car.

• Monitoring phone calls, using caller ID or other number monitoring devises, not allowing her to make or receive phone calls.

• Not allowing her freedom of choice in terms of clothing styles, makeup or hairstyle. This may include forcing her to dress more seductively or more conservatively than she is comfortable.

• Calling or coming home unexpectedly to check up on her. This may initially start as what appears to be a loving gesture, but becomes a sign of jealousy or possessiveness.

• Invading her privacy by not allowing her time and space of her own.

• Forcing or encouraging her dependency by making her believe that she is incapable of surviving or performing simple tasks without the batterer or on her own.

• Using the children to control the mother by using the children as spies, threatening to kill, hurt or kidnap the children, physical and/or sexual abuse of the children, and threats to call Child Protective Services if the mother leaves the relationship.

Signs of Domestic Violence

Most relationships have difficult times, and almost every couple argues now and then. But violence is different from common marital or relationship problems. Domestic violence is a pattern of abuse that a partner-former or current partner, spouse, or boyfriend or girlfriend-uses to control the behavior of another.

Domestic violence often starts with threats, name-calling, and slamming doors or breaking dishes, and it can build up to pushing, slapping, and other violent acts. If you are concerned about your relationship, ask yourself the following questions.

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or paycheck, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Threaten to kill himself or herself?
• Prevent you from working or going to school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal or is your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Threaten to kill you?

My advice to others

Many victims of domestic abuse feel they lack the appropriate support to enable them to positively alter their situation, but having finally taken steps to free myself and my three children from repeated ongoing abuse I know it is possible.

My advice to others is don’t be afraid ask for help, even if you have to swallow your pride. Believe in yourself, don’t give up and use the chance to change your destiny, although it may seem difficult. Everyone has the right to live in dignity in their own home, free from fear of violence or harm. 

Too many `IFS’

Too many `WHENS’

Too many `SORRYS’

And `NEVER AGAINS’

Too many `PROMISES’

Too many `LIES’

Far too many `ONE MORE TRIES’

How many were there,

Before I knew

That `ACTIONS’ speak louder

Than `PROMISES’ do?

"YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER"

One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.

Look closer and you will see

Let me show you my life, it's really not fair
I'm just a woman, all nails, make up & hair
I make myself pretty, for all to see
Because I don't want you to think ill of me
But you see behind my make up hides a secret that's dark
You see my face carries a lifetime of marks
It started not long after we met
The first time he uttered a cold, icy threat
Followed by the thud of his fist in my face
I think I must have forgotten my place
You see I chose an outfit that was not to his taste
And my punishment let me feel his disgrace
Soon after I got the "I'm sorry honey" speech
But it still felt like he had a lesson to teach
To put me in check, to correct my ways
And on most occasions my life went by in a daze
You see I can't remember all the details now
Not since the hammer hit just above my brow
He swore it was a mistake and wouldn't happen again
But it was just another day, another link in my chain
For you see, I am no longer, I am a dream
And all because nobody took notice of my scream
He hit me so hard that I didn't come round
And he just left me there, in a heap, on the ground
The neighbours they'd heard all the cries and commotion
And even saw him leave the house, he was described as ‘devoid of emotion'
You see he killed me that day because I wanted some air
My friends had always told me to beware
But now it's too late and I was too scared
Killed by the one whose life I had shared
He claimed I had fell, and he wasn't home
But in my hair they found bits of chrome
They found he's hurt another before
So now he's locked so he can't hurt anyone anymore
But for me it's too late, I should have left him
The hope is my story will help someone's life be less grim.

Hidden Hurt

We hide in Silence

We hide in silence
Keeping our thoughts in safes
Locked away for fear of not being believed

We hide in our homes
In the comfort of the known
The prison where we know to follow rules

We hide in isolation
Self-imposed through lack of self

We hide behind our roles
Our duties to each other
Never letting on the person behind the scenes

We hide for fear of being
Lest we should wake up and try to live.

3 Crucial Laws Against Domestic Violence In India: Know Them, Protect Yourself

Widespread and rampant violence against women is one of the most pressing problems India struggles with as a society. It is estimated that around 37 percent of Indian women have experienced either physical or sexual violence in their lifetime.

In 2013 alone, there were nearly a hundred and twenty thousand reports of domestic violence against women, according to India’s National Crime Records Bureau.

Furthermore, a 2015 study conducted by the Planning Commission of India surmised that a whopping 84 percent of women have been abused in their homes at least once.

However, a majority of these women are far too afraid of social stigma to reveal that they are victims of abuse. This is due to women’s poor social standing in Indian society, where beating a woman for even the smallest things is seen as a justified act.

The Indian Penal Code Amendment in 1983

A special section, numbered 498-A, that officially made domestic violence a criminal offense was added to the Indian Penal Code in 1983. This section of the law specifically covers cruelty towards married women by their husbands or their husbands’ families.

A helpful clause in this section allows women’s relatives to make the complaint for them. This is extremely beneficial in cases where the woman is too afraid to speak up for herself, for reasons such as she could get caught by her husband or simply cannot leave the house.

One kind of cruelty that can be punished is behavior that causes a woman’s death or serious injury, or pushes her to commit suicide. Another kind is the type of harassment relating to intimidating the woman or her relatives to give up her property.

Under the policy, acts of cruelty include, but are not limited to, the following:

• physical abuse;
• mental torture through threats to her or her loved ones (such as children);
• denying the woman food;
• locking her in or out of the house as punishment; and
• demanding perverse sexual acts against the woman’s will.

Convicted offenders will be charged with up to three years of prison, as well as a hefty fine.

   

The 2005 Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act

Created in 2005 and enacted over a year later, the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act is exactly what the title proclaims.

This is the first law in India to specifically acknowledge every woman’s right to be in a home without violence. In fact, it was seen as a major step forward in securing women’s rights and more effective protection.

It is a long and comprehensive law that details several important policies and procedures meant to help women.

First, it gives a specific definition of domestic violence: actual or threats of physical, mental, emotional, sexual, or verbal abuse, as well as harassment regarding dowry or property.

Women are given the right to seek protection against such acts, and their relatives can file a complaint for them against husbands who break the law.

Second, a woman’s right to reside in their “matrimonial household” is clearly recognized. She cannot be evicted from it as she rightfully shares it with her husband.

If she is evicted, she has the right to seek monetary compensation and safe shelter, as well as free legal and medical aid.

Lastly, both NGOs and divisions of the Indian Government – such as the National Commission for Women – took the initiative to organize awareness seminars that could be easily attended by women who are affected by this act, e.g., women in high risk areas.

Violators of this law will either be mandated to compensate the woman financially, or will be served a restraining order to keep them away from the complainant.

The 2013 Criminal Law Amendment

As a response to the requests made by the Justice Verma Committee, a small commission named after and headed by one of India’s most highly regarded jurists, a lengthy list of amendments to the Indian Penal Code, Code of Criminal Procedure, and the Indian Evidence Act were introduced in this 2013 act.

The aim of the amendment was to provide harsher and swifter punishment for those criminals who committed abuse against women.

Details regarding sexual assault and rape were clarified and added onto. For instance, “rape” was given a better and more exhaustive legal definition, to include non-consensual penetration using non-sexual objects, as well as non-penetrative sexual acts.

Penalties for offenses such as rape, assault, and sexual harassment were increased.

In particular, heavier sentences were declared for rapists, even including the death sentence for particularly disturbing cases, such as gang rape where the victim was left in a vegetative state after the crime.

New offenses that are punishable by law were introduced by the amendment as well. These include, but are not limited to:

• acid attacks (the act of throwing acid upon a woman with the intention of disfiguring, maiming, or outright killing her);
• stalking;
• voyeurism (spying with prurient or indecent interest); and
• publicly and forcefully disrobing a woman

However, despite the commission’s recommendations, the amendment failed to address the issue of marital rape. This exception basically assumes that marriage automatically means the woman will always consent to her husband’s sexual desires.

This ridiculous notion implies that rape cannot happen within a marriage, when in fact it does, and even happens quite frequently to Indian women.

Domestic violence: How women can deal with it

Any act that threatens the well-being of an individual is termed as abuse, while domestic violence is the systematic method in which one partner gains power and control by instilling fear and forcing subservience. Violence is not only physical abuse, but emotional, economic, verbal, and sexual. The social stigma of public dishonor is the greatest cause for a woman to become trapped in this atrocious environment, and another important reason is economic dependence on her perpetrator.

Many times a woman feels that the abuse she goes through is her fault, that she has made a mistake. This deduction is false; abusing is the abuser’s fault not the victim’s. In the beginning of this horrifying journey the victim may feel the reasons for being abused are justified, as time goes on and she keeps changing herself for the abuser, she then realizes that there is no escaping from his wrath, he will be violent for any reason and no reason at all. An abuser feels entitled over the victim’s body and her mind, she is not allowed to have individuality, for the abuser she is his commodity.

Many women believe that staying with her husband and tolerating this abuse would be in the best interest of her children, as the family is kept together. But a study conducted by psychologists saw those infants that were victims of extreme abuse, had also become abusive towards other children and lacked the ability to express empathy. Abuse becomes a learned behavior, and a vicious cycle. Studies have shown it is in the best interest of the child for the parents to separate if they cannot maintain a healthy relationship. A mother is doing a disservice to her child by continuing with her toxic relationship, and a greater disservice to herself.

There are severe effects of domestic violence on the victim. She slowly becomes dependent on the male as her freedom is snatched from her and she is cut off from family and friends, she is made to feel incompetent and doesn’t have the confidence to leave him. If a daughter sees her father abusing her mother, and is a victim of that abuse herself, subconsciously she is more than likely to choose a partner who will show the same traits. When she will go through the same experiences as her mother, it brings a feeling of normalcy and a greater acceptance of this indiscriminate act, as her mother suffered in silence for years so will she.

Women are usually afraid to report cases of domestic abuse in fear that her husband will be arrested, that a long legal proceeding will ensue bringing public shame and scrutiny. For this reason ‘Special Cells’ have been created, it provides counseling to husbands and wives where they teach communication methods, and the counselors slowly work to remove aggression. The first attempt is always to save the marriage, as the solution to domestic violence is not always separation. Yet this decision is in the hands of the wife, if she believes she does not want to stay with her husband then she is not obliged to go through counseling.

Now the law is on women’s side, with the Protection of Women against Domestic Violence Act (2005), the Indian Law has come to realize that there are multifaceted problems faced by women in domestic affairs. This Act protects women, helps women, and also provides safety to women economically, physically and mentally. When a woman files an FIR against her abuser, she gets immediate help from the police and there is no delay in nabbing the criminal. Now, a woman does not have to go through a battery of cross questioning where her integrity is put to question, she is legally in the position of power and her needs are met first.

We tend to ignore the fact that help is needed from both sides. The abuser needs to go for psychological counseling and should have anger management therapy, while the victim needs counseling to regain her sense of self and individuality, to make her more independent and self-assured. Being an extremely aggressive individual with no control over your emotions does not have to be your destiny, it can be stopped with the application of the right methods and getting the right help.